Aventuras en Puerto Rico

Ah, there really is so much to write about. I'm probably not going to be able to post this until the afternoon the way this is going...busy already. It's totally annoying in my opinion. I guess it makes the day go faster, but honestly, I'm a good multitasker, but Christ!

Ok, so, let's start the rundown of my amazing long and relaxing weekend------

Jess spent the night on Thursday night since we had to wake up at the crack of dawn on Friday morning to get to Newark airport. It was totally annoying that we were flying out of there, but it actually turned out not to be that bad. The traveling part wasn't that bad----it was what was happening during the traveling part that was stressing me out---the effing Action Plans were coming back to haunt me. I get this text message from Ron at like midnight on Thursday night. I was already asleep, anticipating my early wake up. I start to stress out immediately upon receiving the text message from Ron about getting everything taken care of as far as the lost aformentioned action plans.

Pretty much, Jose took care of everything: I love Jose for doing that. Thanks dude. :)

The plane ride was long and boring. The food was horrific---shocking. I tried to sleep but it was hard and I'm usually really good at sleeping in random places. We land, the weather is beautiful and we are really excited to get right to the beach. We call the hotel, ask if we can check in early and they say OK. Then we drop off our stuff, put on our bikini's and walk over to the beach. One scary thing is that we see this HUGE dark clouds hovering over our hotel, like it's about to burst open any second. We set up our towels and lay back totally relaxed. Then it started to rain. Like these large-ish drops started to fall. Not a lot of them, but some, enough for us to notice. No one moved. No one got under an umbrella or anything. So we decided it was going to let up and that we could still lay there. We did. The sun was still bright and it was still hot though it was doing this weird drizzling thing----then it stopped after like 20 minutes. Jess and I layed there for the remainer of the useable sunlight and then headed back to our hotel to shower and get ready to pig out for the evening.

We had picked out a few possible restaurants in Condado to eat at and we were excited to go on a little adventure. We went downstairs and asked the lady at the hotel desk how to get there. She said we could take a cab. We asked her if we could walk. She gave us a definitive "No". As we were walking away, I bet that we could walk and that sometimes locals tell you you have to drive or take a cab, but really you can physically walk to the destination.

Me: I wonder if we actually can walk there---I bet we can.
Jess: If only that hotel lady could see us now, she'd be like..."Stupid gringas! I told you that you couldn't walk there!"
Me: *laughing*

After walking like for about 15 minutes, we realize that it doesn't seem like we are getting anywhere really cool. So we walk into a gas station to ask the attendant for directions. He thought we were in a car and gave us directions to Condado that way. Of course, I didn't realize he gave us driving directions until we started walking and then right when we turned left where he told us---it was the entrance onto the highway. Anyway----of course we kept walking. Then, we stopped in a 7-11. Yes, they have 7-11 there. It's like America but with Spanish signs everywhere. Yeah, just like America.

Inside the 7-11 we were hoping to find a map to look to see how far it actually is. This nice man gives us instructions on how to take a bus to Viejo San Juan. Oh yeah, we decided that it was too confusing to get to Condado without taking a cab and we wanted to save money so we just thought it would be easier to get to Viejo San Juan. And when I say "thought it would be easier" I mean that Jackie told me it would be easier. It costs 75 cents to ride the bus or "tres pesetas" in PuertoRican. We hopped on the bus, an adventure unto itself. We were standing in the crowded bus and it was fine. We really only knew that we were supposed to get off at the last stop which was the bus station in the middle of old san juan. That was easy though. It's much easier to say, "stay on until the last stop" then try and explain where some random bus stop is in the middle of PR. So---eventually a seat opened up but I let this other woman sit there. An older woman was sitting by the window. The younger woman that I had let sit down looks at me and in spanish sign language says that the old lady smells to badly and she has to get up. I didn't want to sit down then. At the next stop the smelly old lady gets off. Both seats are available. Jess wants to sit down, but I make her sit where the smelly old lady was sitting. The reason I did this was not because I'm a bitch----which is what most of you would think right off the bat, but it was becuase I know that Jessica has the worst sense of smell of any person I've ever met. She literally can't smell. She smells things 20 minutes after I've smelled them and noticed them. So I thought, there is no better seat for Jess than that one right there!

I complained for the rest of the ride how disgusting the bus smelled. In front of us was a homeless and sketchy man that had sand all over him and his toenails were as long as those black women who get tips an inch long on each finger. They were disgusting. I couldn't wait to get off the bus. We we did. It dropped us off at the bus station and then we wandered around trying to find a delicious place to eat. We were starving since we really hadn't eaten anything all day. We didn't want to eat somewhere too trendy, basically a place with mofongo that was delicious. I had never tried it and Jess said it's amazing. Even though she can't smell worth shit, that girl can taste and has good taste in food. We finally found a place and then ordered a butt load of food. We both ordered pollo mofongo and pigged out. I mean pigged out. I ate rice. I ate chicken. I ate beans. I ate maduras. I ate tostonos. I ate everything. It was amazing.

We rolled out of the restaurant and then walked around a but trying to explore Viejo San Juan a bit and then decided that we were exhausted and wanted to head back. We now knew that we had to take a taxi since we had also just found out that the busses stop running in PR at like fucking 9pm. Seriously? 9pm? Get with it people! We found a cab. The driver was so excited about telling us everything about what we were passing and it was cute, but I had a feeling he was going to rip us off. We only got ripped off a little bit. Oh well....no matter how good you are at spanish, you can still get ripped off if you are a tourist. And clearly, we were.

It wouldn't be a vacation in the sun if Lauren didn't get sunburned right? Right. Of course after laying out all day on Saturday I had "forgotten" to put sunscreen on the back part of my legs and butt and like back/shoulder area. It was quite red there---of for the Roster---nothing like at Mata Las Canas, so don't worry. It was a Level 1 Lauren burn, thought still quite painful and annoying. On the beach we met Ben, a guy from Staten Island but born and raised in Brooklyn, he bought us beach chairs and I hung out with him in the water for a while. He seemed pretty nice. So let's talk about Ben a little bit. I want you to get the whole experience of his persona. He was not THAT cute, he had a bad haircut but he did have a nice smile. When I saw him on the beach he was wearing dark shades. I didn't think anything of it at the time because you know----everyone was wearing dark sunglasses and we were at the beach. Commonplace for sure. We left and headed back to the hotel to change and go for a walk.

Jess and I were on our way for a snack. Then I hear someone yelling----it was Ben across the street. He was yelling Jessica's name. It was strange b/c I was the one that talked to him for 20 minutes. He never even met Jess. So---then, he told us that he'd call us to let us know where they'd be going and to see if we wanted to meet up with them later. We said cool and that we were going to go out to dinner and that it was a fine idea. We walked along the main drag in Isla Verde and stopped in for Ice cream at this cute place. We found a nice table outside and sat down to eat our gelati. All of a sudden, this guy walks by and grabs my purse from on top of the table, just like that! I'm like "hell no!" So I get up, throw some chairs down and immediately start to run after him. In my purse is my wallet: with all my identification, credit cards and cash. Also, some lipgloss and my digital camera. I start screaming and cussing at him in Spanish hoping he'll stop and return the purse in fear of my bantering. He does get flustered though and drops my wallet and lip gloss. These guys were nice enough to pick it up and return those to me once I reached the area where he escaped from. The police were called and at the time I'd forgotten that my camera was even in the purse, so I thought I made out without anything missing-----it wasn't until after the police left and also we were halway back to the hotel that I remembered. It kind of put a damper on my night. But I bounced back. Luckily I had only taken a few pictures, cute ones, but only a few. I also had everything that was on there already uploaded on my computer, so no previous pictures were lost. Pretty much the only thing that was lost was my actual physical camera, which is 100% replacable. So, if you think about it, it was the best circumstance possible. I made the good decision to not bring my cell phone when we went out that evening---so that too, was not lost.

We meandered back to the hotel and I called my dad and told him, he told me it could have been much worse. I had already known that cause Jess and I played this little game called, "What horrible things could have happened if my wallet too was stolen". Awful things were brainstormed and so I was happy it was just my camera. We were at this point, starving. We took showers, cause we didn't before and got ready to go out to Metropol. This place that Jackie had recommended along with every one of the guidebooks we had with us.

Ah---Ben had called us like he said he would. I could NOT understand his message and it was like---all staticky and horrible to listen to. I called him back and said that we were just going to out to dinner and then see if we can meet up with him later on or something.

At Metropol I ordered this smoked chicken with rice and beans and this rum drink. Jess ordered like the equivalent of pulled pork it seemed but it was beef instead. My chicked tasted EXACTLY like ham. It was kind of gross. I pigged out on the rice and beans and the plantains instead. It was relatively disappointing, but not totally a bust.

Jess and I went and had a drink at Lupis, this bar on the main strip and had a beer. We were both really full from dinner, even though the food from Metropol wasn't that great. We were still full somehow. I know Jess was b/c even if jess is about to barf, she will still finish her food and keep eating if she likes the food. I, on the other hand, can't eat when I'm full. Giving myself a stomachache is NOT my idea of a good time. :)

Anyway, Ben was like---my friend's running late---why don't you all come up to my place for a drink, some people are here and then we can all pile into the cars together to go out to this bar. OK----sure whateve.r But we weren't done with our drinks yet. We finished up and then called him back----no answer. Then----we see him walking along the street.

BEN IS WEARING AN EYE PATCH. Like a pirate one.

Yes, I started to snicker, in the usual Lauren-laughs-at-others'-diabilities style. I thought it was a joke. Jess and I were laughing the entire time about it. I was like, um.."what's up with the eye patch". He tells us that "he'll tell us later." Of course we are relentless about it and keep asking him. We ride in this car to this bar called Bamboobei. It was so cool. Right on the beach and the decor was just really cool. Ben bought us drinks. The people we were with were also really nice and cool. Then Jess and I kept asking Ben about his fucking eye patch. He said that we could each have three guesses to why he had it and if we got it, he would tell us we were right. If we DIDN'T guess in 6 tries we had to buy in a drink. It was not a fair trade. So we guessed that he had a scratched cornea. And then we guessed he had a lazy eye. Both were wrong. We were intrigued. The game got boring after a while. We didn't want to buy him a drink. Then he went and ordered shots because the bar, which was not crowded AT ALL had run out of ice and beer and I think most types of alcohol. Not sure EXACTLy how this happens, but it was annoying. Ben ordered shots, I made a request for him to not order tequilla. So what does he order instead?

151.

Who the FUCK does shots of 151 unless you are at a college frat party with nothing left to drink?!? I was like..there is no way I'm doing that shot. I immediately saw right into Ben's mind. He wasted money on the premise of being a jackass and trying to be funny. First, no one actually LIKES 151. It tastes like oil and burning rubbing alcohol. There isn't going to be one person who's like, "Oh yes! I LOVE 151! I can't wait to feel the sensation down my throat." So---He did it to be like a dick since I said I didn't want tequilla, he got the most disgusting shot possible. I then officially didn't like Ben and thought him to be a total TOOLbag, as if the eyepatch didn't set it off for me. We left soon after thankfully. Miguel, the driver drove us back to our hotel. Ben, the douchbag, the entire way was like----obsessing over Jess. Oh, by the way, he had left a message on my cellphone being like "I love Jessica. I think she's totally cute." Anyway, he was saying how beautiful she was and how he wanted to touch her hair. Needless to say, we were both excited to exit the car. Ben, you suck.

Sunday morning was a lazy one. Since I was so sunburned, the idea of going onto the beach and laying around in the hard sand---and having it rub all over my lobster legs and ass, we opted for the pool instead. We got towels from downstairs and then layed out ALL day. It was really hot on Sunday. I kept having to get up and jump in the pool. It was easy for me to lay out on my back and get a tan instead uncomfortably twisting around on my towel in the sand if we were at the beach. The pool was perfect. In the middle of our tanning/swimming this like DJ/singer came out and played pop music and sang. It was great! I also found $5 on the floor.

That night we were going to eat at this place with a MILLION kinds of mofongo. But as soon as we got ready and showered and ready to go out---it started to rain. Jess can't deal with the rain. Mostly b/c of her hair. See I don't have ANY problems with frizz or anything----but she did. So, we ordered in. It was GREAT and very delicious. We were going to go out to a casino/pub after dinner though as we were dressed and everything. But there was one problem...I PASSED the FUCK out on the bed after dinner. I woke up at like 11:30 and Jess was in her PJ's I guess we weren't going out. I think it was a semi-wise decision though considering how hard it was for us to get up without having gone out drinking the night before.

The Monday early wake up call came much to soon. I did NOT want to get out of bed. My hair was still braided from the night before and looked like shit. Plus, it was just DAMN early. It was dark and pouring outside. We went downstairs, got in a cab and headed off to the airport. I was passed out/delirious the entire flight and waiting time so I don't remember much at all. I remember landing and getting to NY, where it was nice. Jess and I took AirTrain back into the city and then I went home. I ate a delicious bagel sandwich from H&H and then took the most killer nap ever. I woke up, read some of this book I bought to read on the beach, though I never did. Then, I went to bed eventually. I honestly can't remember much else. Oh, I think I cleaned. It was a great ending to an amazing and relaxing vacation weekend. :)

Love,
Lauren